huh.. crazy.

I wish I wrote more often on here. cause I think of it often and yet find I'm too busy to ever take the time to do it. Even now I'm trying to decide what to write on.

I guess that God is interesting and works things out. I mean we all know this right? But I feel like He does in ways that we might not ever know. Than other times He shows us exactly what He is doing and we start to figure out how something that happened long ago has taken us to where we are today. It kinda all rocks my socks of honestly.

So two months ago now I was having various convos w/ people in my life that kinda lead to me starting to think about doing YL again in the Jackson area. Of course a few days later, our friends (who live in SA) informed us that their neighbors were going to be moving. This meant that an Apt. was opening up right down the street from SAU which would work well for me hooking up with leaders again. It was June 1st which meant we needed to inform our current landlords basically that day if we were gonna move. so we did. we ran with it. It was a long process of quickly moving, living w/ my parents, thinking we lost the apt, finding out we didn't.. and so much more. But we are living in SA now in that Apt. We'll see what comes of this :)

Amongst this story, Johnny and I went to Romania on a medical mission w/ my dad. The team from NC we were going with was rather short handed and we still needed to find a doc. Normally there are 20-30 that go there was about 12 of us. When we got there the team ended up being half American and half Romanian. Which was AWESOME and honestly the best trip I've been on over there (been 8 times doing medical missions). We had more multiple Romania docs volunteer with us each day. It was just an incredible week we saw over 300 people everyday pretty much. Which is more than we have in years past. Moral of that being the NC crew was all super worried that the team was so small and even considered not going this time, But God came through as always and we helped more villagers than we normally do. Kinda goes to show that taking a step of faith in life can take you to some pretty amazen places. Its like the dichotomy between knowing God will work everything out and actually being willing to take that next step into the haze and trust that your foot will land on solid ground. Trying so hard to trust that.

Also, random story from a over 3 yrs back, that I came to new realization about last night. Three years ago I was signing up for my CC trip and let a friend of mine cut me by a spot so she could get to class and when I walked up to register the lady informed me that "oh I'm sorry the girl in front of you just took the last spot, but we'll put you on a waiting list" .. which eventually led to me going to Cambodia on my CC trip, which was an awesome trip that I will never forget and one that has impacted me a lot. Been a lot of places, but Cambodia was totally different. When I just think of what happened in that country it makes me nauseous.

Well last night was talking to one of my friends and she was talking about her CC trip to Uganda and I was like "wish I could have been able to go on that trip it sounds amazing." and she asked if I'd tried to sign up and I realized that she no idea of this story. so I told her and she was like wow my life could be so different if I hadn't gone. Her and her husband are planning on eventually moving to Uganda to work at a non-profit. Like what a simple decision to let someone cut in line, might have just changed one of my friends lives forever. Crazy, huh? God really does work in crazy ways. God knew you see. He knew she needed to go to Uganda. So I vote that God uses us in ways we might never know and works in ways we might not always understand, but He is always using us and always working.

Basically, God is interesting, don't you think?

slave?

So last weekend I did work weekend up at TWL and the speaker in club said something that I found interesting I guess. Made me think at least. They were talking about how we as people fill ourselves with "things" / define ourselves by them - things like friends, family, body image (exercise or eating right), image (how you want others to see you), good grades, a job, living the "perfect" life, a ministry you do, or even your relationship with/ knowledge of God. Striving basically. There was more, but those give a good display. Basically none of these things are actually bad things to do, they are all things the world/ those around you might even suggest you do. These could even be things we are told to do when we are struggling through life. They made the quote though, "its when a good thing becomes your everything. then you are a slave". This really caught my attention. Yes its simple, but I felt like it just caught me. Its not about what you do its the motives behind it, its the amount you do it. Why? why am I doing what I'm doing, for whose glory.. and to what purpose.  humm,  if this is off base than doing the right thing can become wrong. I know it sounds simple and of course I've heard it before even thought about it, but I liked the way they said it. 

See I've found in my life that good things can easily become everything. Its hard for them not to sometimes. At points it was an image - athletic or a need to be fit. Or it was friends/ being known for being a quality friend. having things put together in my life. being a good student. and eventually.. well YL honestly. especially the more I had to step up and the more it consumed my life. it started to become everything. I kept telling myself it was ok cause it was a good thing.. so I guess when they said that this weekend I was like "yeah... it can't be everything Colleen.. you can't be everything" that's why it was the way it was towards the end.    what good is it anyways. if I do all I can yet miss out and lack the one thing I really need - God.  

There is no one that wants to be a slave and yet people daily enslave themselves. Why? who knows. we think its good - and don't know when to much of a good thing is becoming bad I guess. So I've been thinking about this a lot. About good things, about grace and the free gift I don't need to work for. About how to do good things and keep them just that. Good things. Its a lesson I have learned over and over in many areas, but I'm still open to learning more and thinking more about it. so that's what I'm doing I guess. 

Just thinking

I find myself sitting here thinking about one of my friends who is soon having a baby. I'm not sure how to feel about it all. I think its the responsible thing once you're pregnant to keep the child and I'm glad she has chose to keep it. so in ways I'm glad she is having a baby. In other ways, its just hard.  She is a girl who I care about a lot, probably even poured my life into a bit. I guess this might sound selfish but I tried to make a difference in her life and it feels like I didn't much. I know her decisions have little to do with me and yet I still feel slightly as if maybe I could have done something that would have made a difference. I mean she's happy, she's haven a baby... and really I think its gonna be great. Just still hard. its like the pull between being happy and wondering if its the best thing for this person you care about and really hoping and praying that it all works out really well 'cause you care so much about them. 

So that's been on my mind and I decided to post on it.

Also currently trying to sort though my thoughts on this other HUGE issue and trying to decide were my husband and I should go with our lives. so basically I'm sitting here thinking.. thinking bout my life and the lives of those I care about. 

just never do.. so decided I would

So often I go to post on here with my thoughts and than I think.. but I never write on there and haven't in forever.. so what's the point. Well I decided what's the point in not :)

Since I last posted I went from almost married to now having been married for almost 8 months. So I guess my life has changed, and yet it feels rather normal and the way it should be, so that almost makes me feel like it hasn't changed much. Feel like my life is more solid now in ways, which honestly almost sounds funny to say considering some things, but I do feel that way.  I feel like going to Riverview church has a bit to to do with that really. We greet there on Sat nights and are involved in a small group, which gives us involvement in the church beyond just one on the multitudes. Plus I just love it there, I've been going there for the last 3 almost 4 years, but I just always felt like one of the many college kids, where now I feel tied in more. The apartment we live in feels like home as well, which is nice. Although we're still just renters, I feel more so like its mine than I have before.  I love being married and I love having a place that Johnny and I live together. Just love to be with the guy.. so much  :)  

Also I'm so much LESS busy, which drove me crazy at first, but now I like being able to breath. I was trying to explain this kinda the other day, but I think I was doing a poor job of it.  There is this desire inside of me to do more than just work and live, but there is also a part that enjoys not being quite so fragmented as I was before. Feel like for the last 2 years of school in-particular, there was nothing and no one that really got any significant part of my attention, focus, or self. I was constantly running, constantly doing, and hardly ever feeling like I was doing all I should or could. Now I'm ok ... when I'm sitting at home w/ my husband I know that there is nothing else I should be doing. I have time to do all that is required of me and that's nice.  

 

I say my life is solid and I feel that way, but there is a part of me that wonders where Johnny and I will be come this summer. He has a temp job currently, which is beyond a blessing and SOO amazing of an answer to prayer, because he was looking for so long. But its not permanent so its hard to know whether to stay here or move somewhere else where maybe there are going to be more jobs. There are no leads anywhere, but its hard to know what to do. Plus both of us desire to be doing ministry with a larger percentage of our lives, which also makes us ask the question "what next and Where to?"    amidst these questions though I feel rather happy with my life as of today and I'm pretty much ok with that  :)