Encouragements

Just thought I would share some of the ways I have been encouraged and challenged lately. 

Currently my best friend is in Malaysia doing a teaching program, so I don't really hear from her that often. Well a couple days ago I got a card in the mail from her. She had left some cards at her house for her parents to send out and she of course wrote me one. I was pretty excited when I got it. Made me smile a lot and arrived on a day when I just needed a hug from my best friend. She asked me to continue to pray for her to have boldness and confidence in God and her faith while she was there. Also mentioned ways she would be praying for me as I prepared for marriage this summer. Anyone else might have read the card and just been like 'well thats a nice card' but somehow it incredibly encouraged me and even reminded me yet again of how important it is to keep focused on God during times of change and just in life. She is just a person that challenges me to love God more and I like that. We encourage each other a lot in life and I just thank and praise God for that. God has just really blessed me with many amazen friends who love me a lot. 

For example, last Sat another one of my friends called me up on the cell because she said God had just really layed me on her heart and she felt as if she needed to call. This is a friend who is.. well a stud person, but also one of those people who you don't have to talk that often at all, but when you do, its like you were the closest of friends and had just talked a couple days ago. I love her lots and the call just made me smile a lot and brightened my day. I had been haven a ruff couple days and it was just good. The reason the call was encouraging wasn't even that we talked about what was going on, because we didn't even talk about that, but what encouraged me was that God was looking out for me. God just placed me on her heart, because he knew a call from her would encourage me and make my day better. Basically he loves me.. entirely and always. 

There was also a conversation that I had w/ Johnny a couple days ago that kinda was were one topic leads to another and we ended up actually having a pretty serious conversation about a lot of different things in our relationship in the past and present, just a really great conversation I guess. But what I thought was soo cool about it was that what I wanted to talk to him about he had also felt we needed to talk about and knew God was wanting him to talk to me and Johnny ended up talking to me about some stuff I didn't even fully realize I needed to hear or talk about. So basically God is incredible and He placed/is placing the same things in both of our hearts and then we get to talk about them. Just love that God uses Johnny in my life and me in Johnny's in order to encourage us, challenge us and ultimately bring us closer to God. Its pretty sweet in my opinion  :)

so those are just a few ways I have been encouraged by a few people who I love a whole bunch and ultimately by God who I love and who loves me even more than I know or could even comprehend. 

Some of my life..

I felt earlier as if I really wanted to post today, which is random I know, since I haven't written on here in ohh.. two months, but just the same - I wanted to. 

humm.. there is a lot I could say, since I last posted I finished up college (at least for now), I moved home, cleaned out my old room/went through stuff, started a summer job, oh did plenty of wedding plans (although there is still so much left), went to Romania for 10 days on a medical mission trip, and other summer activities like seeing old friends, going to Mere's cottage, work weekend at TWL, bowling, BBQ's, read books I want to (not have to), and chilling around aka the things I am basically to busy to do while in school.   Its been good.  Its been a deep breath after a long year and a busy year. 

I miss people from school though (three in-particular the most) and I miss YL as well. I was looking at pictures of camp last night and the "my girls" caption pulled at something in my heart as I looked at girls I had signed up for camp. I of course did not go because I am done and its better to have leaders that are still around go. But it was harder than I expected I suppose. The ministry was so tuff who knew I would miss it so :) 

One of my close friends recently moved to Ohio. Upon learning she was that much further away, I was very sad. I realized I was growing up in the way that we are all done with school and have to move somewhere. No longer will we return to a common place. Who will I stay in contact with? 

Job hunting is interesting. There are so many jobs and yet they are so hard to find, not sure how thats possible but it is. Where to live?  what job ?   house vs apartments?    What now basically is the question I ask and everyone asks of me. Its swell  :)

Currently doing marriage counseling.. its good times.  Johnny and I have a book we are going through as part of it. Its a good book, asks a lot of good questions and really takes a bit of thought be put into it. good times. 

Also planning seems to never stop, there are so many small things to do. Feel like I need help, but I'm not sure with what and all. Kinda interesting really.  I look forward to being married for so many reasons. Currently though,  I miss Johnny terribly. We have lived about 10 hours apart for the last 15 months and its getting old (its been old honestly) and I can't wait for him to get to MI (2  1/2 weeks).  Just want to be around him. He is my close friend who I just need. I want to talk face to face again, I want to be able to tell him all the little things that come to mind and not just when we're on the phone. I want to not be on my phone. I want to lean against him and tell him about my day.  Just miss him, love him, and well want to marry him. He is a wonderful man who I respect and love deeply. Can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. 

So mentioned I went to Romania. It was a good trip this year. My friend Meredith went with my dad and me.  We had a good time and had a good team. There was about 23 of us I think. Most of the crew was from Charlotte, NC area. We helped a lot of people and saw some great things happen as always. Worked in the villages as well as in the cities, which being in the cities was different for me. My dad and I are normally always just out in Gypsy villages so working with Romanians was a different feeling, but still good of course. Just different dynamic. We brought a lot of supplies over with us though, so that was good and nice to leave with the people there. It was just a good trip and I was glad to be there. 

Feel as if I haven't even "really" talked about any of why I wanted to post earlier today, but maybe sometime I will come back to that. I have been reading and thinking about a lot, but I'm not sure what I even want to say. 

This is some of my life. some of my thoughts..

God moments..

Life is interesting. Or actually probably more correctly God makes life interesting. I feel as if He puts people in my life to show me things that I have not been noticing for one reason or another. He also puts people in my life to encourage me and even to challenge me to be a better person. And I find today when I am amidst paper upon paper (20pg, 10pg, 3 reflections) and coming upon graduation and exams - that I am rather happy tonight because God has given me many moments lately to see Him in. In all reality these moments are always around me and really a lot of the time I think I just miss them completely. So here are some stories to attest to God's presence here. 

Well lets start with today. First of all - go to the school today for cw w/ J-highers. good times for sure. Had some good conversations with girls, went to a track meet tonight and a band concert - had more good times at both of those events. Also there is this one leader in our area in particular who just really is great. She encourages me every time I see her w/ kids and I feel like I could learn so much from her. Like she is just so chill and yet real and honest. She does things and says things that I wouldn't and maybe couldn't even pull off, but I like that she can and I just thank God that she is around. 

Also got a voicemail on my phone today from a friend, who was basically like just callen, hope we can get together soon and hang out lots this summer.. all that jazz. But then she made a comment about how she really appreciated that I kept callen even when she was to busy to call back and pursued her like that. Almost made me cry in a God way - like of course I would do that - she is an incredible person who I love a lot, so of course I would keep callen.  That kinda reminded me a similar convo I had w/ another friend recently - Both convos encouraged me and I guess just reminded me that God has made me to be a good friend to people and made me to a person that loves people a lot. 

Going back to this weekend. Called one of my good friends up to ask her if she was comen to my BBQ the next day (sunday) and she said she was - then she shared this SUPER cool story with me. Basically, her boy gave his life to Christ the week before. And his reason you ask - well they have a son (cutest kid really) and her boy decided that their son could not have just evolved but that he was hand crafted, especially his little eyelashes. That story rocked my socks off, because I feel like babies are something that God gives people to show them some of Himself. 

Go back a few more days (last Thur) and I was given my group presentation in class. I did a decent job I guess was pretty prepared for it and all. Thought the whole thing went over real well, the prof said it was the best that night. Made me smile and feel encouraged. But to top that as I went back to my seat, my friend N turned to be and said Colleen you would make a really great professor. No like you really would, I was just sitting here listening to you and I realized - you really know what you are talking about. You are definitely a very smart women.   That comment coming from her just meant a lot to me.    To continue that story, she also sent me an email today just kinda talken about the type of friend I am in her life and it was sweet. It was so stinken encouraging, because she is such an important and trusted friend in my life and sometimes its just nice to get those notes from people saying 'there is something that sets you apart from others friend' and I like those notes. 

Also there was another conversation a week before were the comment was made that it would be a "travesty" for me to stop doing ministry. A travesty huh.. thats a strong word that I feel puts a lot of faith in me. They also said that was a brilliant women.. again with the the intense word. Basically just made me think.. obviously a week and a half later.. still thinken about it  :)

so yeah those are my thoughts. Basically God is good. God is loving and loves me and these are the ways he encourages me.   I want to notice God more. I want to notice those moments that he is working in, because he is constantly working - I just have to notice it. 

Old Stories

I mentioned awhile ago that I wanted to update on here about some of the stuff that has happened this semester. so here are some that come to mind. 

Was at school a couple months ago and I was walken around as I normally do talken to kids and after lunch I normally walk up the stairs with the kids towards classes but this day I stayed in the cafe to get a new leader her ID pass for leading. so after we got the pass we were leaving and I ran into this guy who use to do YL last year. He has autisim which in that way doesn't always say a lot, but I asked how he was and he said he missed seeing us all. and told him yeah, haven't seen you around.. and he was like yeah things are bad.. asked what was going on.. he mentioned some pretty serious family issues. Then I suddenly felt this huge weight to tell him I would be praying for him and his family. I told him and he looked right at me (which he never makes eye contact) and said 'that would be good.. that would be good.. it mean a lot to me.. '  He looked so upset and yet so thankful for that simple statement.    As I walked away, I wanted to just cry for this kid and for the pain in his life. 

Later as I thought about this I thanked God that kids still break my heart. That God brought that to my mind to say to him and I prayed for him and that God would protect him and his family.. I just prayed for quite awhile for him.. for other kids.. and was just so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to work in this school. 

There was another conversation that I had earlier this semester with a girl who I have known for quite awhile that was also pretty sweet. For privacy reasons, I'll leave out the details, but basically it was some pretty intense info about her life and some stuff that happened to her and I don't even really know why she told me. It was kinda random and she was wanting advice on how to tell her mom about it. So we talked through that. Also talked through issues of just blame or guilt... and basically it was a good conversation. One that I'm glad God put me there for her to have someone to talk to about those types of matters. 

Another high point, was when a girl who use to do wyld life and was at TWL (camp) w/ her leader when I was on summer staff, came over to me and jumped on me and was like 'ohh my gosh I can't believe its you. like when are we doing the next young life thing'  Its moments like that make me smile. 

On a leader note, there is a new girl on our team that I take to the school with me and she is starting to really rock my face off. She had a conversation with some kids today and was telling me about it and it just excited me. I like to see the passion in someone else, when they start to see relationships forming with kids and how good that is. Plus she is just a super cool person. 

Basically as hard as ministry is. It is also good and I think thats why I needed to write this and remember these things. 

thoughts about leaving..

So this Monday at leadership (weekly get together w/ YL leaders, fellowship, food, God time), we all shared pray requests and I was thinking a lot about my future.. and didn't know how to put into words all the thoughts in my head (previous post/graduation). John (my area director) asked me to close after everyone was done, as he often does, so I did. As I prayed, I began to pray for the leaders in the area currently - that years would end well, summer jobs would be found, and that they would all return here again next year safely and continue to serve God and love kids like they do. After I prayed I walked out and stopped and thought .. I'm leaving. It hit me hard and I just prayed "God please just being these leaders back next year.. please"  I know this area can last w/out me and be fine. mean its about God and His plan, not me in any way. Just also realize I am a leader here and when a leader of a small community leaves it can effect things. So I pray it doesn't. I have seen so MANY leaders come and go here in Jackson and I just desire that YL would succeed. At that statement and thought though - I always ask myself what is success and are we really failing?  I don't know. 

I know what this ministry is "suppose" to look like and that it might never fit that cookie cutter mold here. But I also know that we need influence more kids than we do right now. If we were doing something crazy and out of the book, but it worked, that would be sweet. I just want kids to hear that there is more to life than the crap of this world. There is soooo much more and I want that message to be brought across. 

I guess I say all this to say. It makes me sad to no longer lead in Young Life and I know that God will continue to be with this area... I just also pray that the leaders that should lead will continue to do so. I have stood as a leader and know I must leave.. I can no longer carry the ministry and thats a weird feeling in ways. As hard as its been.. its also just what I've been doing for so long. 

There have been so many times in the last couple months that I have wanted to write something down on here and I just have not found the time to do so. So hopefully I will get time to post soon on some of those thoughts, mainly about the ministry I'm involved in (young life). 

For today though, I will comment on an experience of last night. This past weekend my fiancé was visiting (he lives in MD) and he flies to see me, since it is actually less expensive then driving due to gas prices. So last night I drove him back to the airport. On the way, we talked about the future a bit.. just plans, desires, and thoughts about several different things. It wasn't the first time we've talked about any of this obviously it was more of just another conversation about it all. But as we arrived at DTW (airport) and he was getting ready to go. He stopped and said "lets pray about all of this well we are still here together" I said yeah and we prayed (well he did). By the time he was done praying I was crying.. like really crying, tears streaming down face can't really talk crying. He held me and hugged me before leaving and told me he would call me when he was through security. As he walked away, I stood there looking at him with my tears on his shirt and was reminded yet again of how much God loves me. Which to some might seem like weird connection, but really - God has given me a man who not only loves me (more than I thought another person could) and desires to take care of me and be supported by me and spend his life with me, but someone who Loves God as well. Who says things like lets pray right now then, when hard topics come to the surface. As I drove away, I thanked God for the blessing in my life that Johnny is. There are just those times, when I am reminded of things, and can't help but thank God for them. And there are those times that I listen to someone pray and it brings a tear to my face.. just last night it brought a lot of them.  I could explain more of why I cried, but thats only part of the point really. Yes, it threw me off that listening to him pray would make me cry like that, but I realize I cried because listening to him and praying with him brought peace from God and assurance that all will work out, I was overwhelmed with it all - so I cried. 

I say all of this to say, just to state/serve as a reminder of how wonderful to us God truly is. That in the "small" things of praying with someone you love, God is there and working. He loves us so perfectly, takes care of us, and is always there. I like to share those moments (and remember them) when I see God in my life. 

What's your favorite thing?

so this site was created for a class project a project on the importance of knowing the cultural background in the bible and how knowing the background can hopefully change people's lives. This is something I believe in hence I spent an entire semester working on a project about it.
Well the project is long done it is now a year later and I decided recently to start using this to randomly record my thoughts about God or life. The name of it.. Beyond the surface seems appropriate, because these thoughts will be ones that go beyond the surface level of life that so many of us (myself included) seem to live in. My name Shema Ani is still fitting since it purely means hear me. These are my thoughts so if you are reading this you are in turn "hearing me" so it works.
My best friend asked me a question today mid-conversation and somehow that question seemed like a good place to start.

What is your Favorite thing about Jesus??

When she asked I paused for a second and thought about it. It was a huge question and one that seemed almost inappropriate to answer quickly. I thought about his love for me and how he died taking my sins upon himself, the symbolicalness and sacredness of the Lord's supper,  His grace and mercy that he continually pours ALL over me regardless of what I do, I thought about His character the things that made him who he was like how radical he was in the time and how he changed his world and those around him, I thought of his greatest commandment to love God with all that we are and to love our neighbors as well and how this has challenged me in my life - all with a few seconds mind you. And than I answered - my favorite thing would be how we looked at everyone the same. He helped all people, he was a man of justice. He loved the prostitute and the  rich man alike.  Those that were rejected by society he held close to him. I don't consider myself someone that looks at people around me differently or is prejudice against certain "groups" of people. But I know there are times when I'll judge someone by how they look or take part in some stereotype without even realizing that I am. There are so many ideals and concepts so ingrained into us by society its kinda sick. 

In so many ways I am definitely a person who loves people around me, who does see everyone as a child of God and deserving of the same treatment. I deeply desire to make a true impact in this world and to serve those that are struggeling whether they be that rich man or that prostitiute. So in a way maybe thats why I said it was my favorite thing today, becuase I resonate with it.  

As I continued to think about this idea, I started to think about if Jesus has favorites. As much as I love all people - there are those people that I call back sooner or who will get a priority with my time and energies. Although this is normal of any person and even Jesus had those 12 disciples he poured into and those 3 that were closer to him. It still made me think.  Like how does this principle (of loving all no strings attached) apply to even the way I treat my various friends, those I do ministry with, and the high school kids I talk to every week. 

Do I truly love them all with the same love?    in all honestly I would say I don't, at least not the same amount of love. There are those that are my favorites...  so I ask - did Jesus have favorites?   I believe that God aka Jesus loves all people equally  ->  I strive to be more like God and to love those around me as he would have me to... so  ....  how do I love?    Trust me I also realize I am not God and he is capable of things I can only imagine, but I still ask myself how does he want me to love ____ (fill in person's name). What does that look like?  

I know that I will continue to think about this today, but those are my initial thoughts on it. A lot of questions and not a ton of answers. 

Although this is probably not my all time answer to this question about my Jesus. It is my thought today and I thought it was worth sharing.