thoughts about leaving..

So this Monday at leadership (weekly get together w/ YL leaders, fellowship, food, God time), we all shared pray requests and I was thinking a lot about my future.. and didn't know how to put into words all the thoughts in my head (previous post/graduation). John (my area director) asked me to close after everyone was done, as he often does, so I did. As I prayed, I began to pray for the leaders in the area currently - that years would end well, summer jobs would be found, and that they would all return here again next year safely and continue to serve God and love kids like they do. After I prayed I walked out and stopped and thought .. I'm leaving. It hit me hard and I just prayed "God please just being these leaders back next year.. please"  I know this area can last w/out me and be fine. mean its about God and His plan, not me in any way. Just also realize I am a leader here and when a leader of a small community leaves it can effect things. So I pray it doesn't. I have seen so MANY leaders come and go here in Jackson and I just desire that YL would succeed. At that statement and thought though - I always ask myself what is success and are we really failing?  I don't know. 

I know what this ministry is "suppose" to look like and that it might never fit that cookie cutter mold here. But I also know that we need influence more kids than we do right now. If we were doing something crazy and out of the book, but it worked, that would be sweet. I just want kids to hear that there is more to life than the crap of this world. There is soooo much more and I want that message to be brought across. 

I guess I say all this to say. It makes me sad to no longer lead in Young Life and I know that God will continue to be with this area... I just also pray that the leaders that should lead will continue to do so. I have stood as a leader and know I must leave.. I can no longer carry the ministry and thats a weird feeling in ways. As hard as its been.. its also just what I've been doing for so long. 

There have been so many times in the last couple months that I have wanted to write something down on here and I just have not found the time to do so. So hopefully I will get time to post soon on some of those thoughts, mainly about the ministry I'm involved in (young life). 

For today though, I will comment on an experience of last night. This past weekend my fiancé was visiting (he lives in MD) and he flies to see me, since it is actually less expensive then driving due to gas prices. So last night I drove him back to the airport. On the way, we talked about the future a bit.. just plans, desires, and thoughts about several different things. It wasn't the first time we've talked about any of this obviously it was more of just another conversation about it all. But as we arrived at DTW (airport) and he was getting ready to go. He stopped and said "lets pray about all of this well we are still here together" I said yeah and we prayed (well he did). By the time he was done praying I was crying.. like really crying, tears streaming down face can't really talk crying. He held me and hugged me before leaving and told me he would call me when he was through security. As he walked away, I stood there looking at him with my tears on his shirt and was reminded yet again of how much God loves me. Which to some might seem like weird connection, but really - God has given me a man who not only loves me (more than I thought another person could) and desires to take care of me and be supported by me and spend his life with me, but someone who Loves God as well. Who says things like lets pray right now then, when hard topics come to the surface. As I drove away, I thanked God for the blessing in my life that Johnny is. There are just those times, when I am reminded of things, and can't help but thank God for them. And there are those times that I listen to someone pray and it brings a tear to my face.. just last night it brought a lot of them.  I could explain more of why I cried, but thats only part of the point really. Yes, it threw me off that listening to him pray would make me cry like that, but I realize I cried because listening to him and praying with him brought peace from God and assurance that all will work out, I was overwhelmed with it all - so I cried. 

I say all of this to say, just to state/serve as a reminder of how wonderful to us God truly is. That in the "small" things of praying with someone you love, God is there and working. He loves us so perfectly, takes care of us, and is always there. I like to share those moments (and remember them) when I see God in my life. 

What's your favorite thing?

so this site was created for a class project a project on the importance of knowing the cultural background in the bible and how knowing the background can hopefully change people's lives. This is something I believe in hence I spent an entire semester working on a project about it.
Well the project is long done it is now a year later and I decided recently to start using this to randomly record my thoughts about God or life. The name of it.. Beyond the surface seems appropriate, because these thoughts will be ones that go beyond the surface level of life that so many of us (myself included) seem to live in. My name Shema Ani is still fitting since it purely means hear me. These are my thoughts so if you are reading this you are in turn "hearing me" so it works.
My best friend asked me a question today mid-conversation and somehow that question seemed like a good place to start.

What is your Favorite thing about Jesus??

When she asked I paused for a second and thought about it. It was a huge question and one that seemed almost inappropriate to answer quickly. I thought about his love for me and how he died taking my sins upon himself, the symbolicalness and sacredness of the Lord's supper,  His grace and mercy that he continually pours ALL over me regardless of what I do, I thought about His character the things that made him who he was like how radical he was in the time and how he changed his world and those around him, I thought of his greatest commandment to love God with all that we are and to love our neighbors as well and how this has challenged me in my life - all with a few seconds mind you. And than I answered - my favorite thing would be how we looked at everyone the same. He helped all people, he was a man of justice. He loved the prostitute and the  rich man alike.  Those that were rejected by society he held close to him. I don't consider myself someone that looks at people around me differently or is prejudice against certain "groups" of people. But I know there are times when I'll judge someone by how they look or take part in some stereotype without even realizing that I am. There are so many ideals and concepts so ingrained into us by society its kinda sick. 

In so many ways I am definitely a person who loves people around me, who does see everyone as a child of God and deserving of the same treatment. I deeply desire to make a true impact in this world and to serve those that are struggeling whether they be that rich man or that prostitiute. So in a way maybe thats why I said it was my favorite thing today, becuase I resonate with it.  

As I continued to think about this idea, I started to think about if Jesus has favorites. As much as I love all people - there are those people that I call back sooner or who will get a priority with my time and energies. Although this is normal of any person and even Jesus had those 12 disciples he poured into and those 3 that were closer to him. It still made me think.  Like how does this principle (of loving all no strings attached) apply to even the way I treat my various friends, those I do ministry with, and the high school kids I talk to every week. 

Do I truly love them all with the same love?    in all honestly I would say I don't, at least not the same amount of love. There are those that are my favorites...  so I ask - did Jesus have favorites?   I believe that God aka Jesus loves all people equally  ->  I strive to be more like God and to love those around me as he would have me to... so  ....  how do I love?    Trust me I also realize I am not God and he is capable of things I can only imagine, but I still ask myself how does he want me to love ____ (fill in person's name). What does that look like?  

I know that I will continue to think about this today, but those are my initial thoughts on it. A lot of questions and not a ton of answers. 

Although this is probably not my all time answer to this question about my Jesus. It is my thought today and I thought it was worth sharing.